Henry Imler April 16th, 2008

This is just going to be a series of quotes from the awesome Simmons NBA MVP breakdown, Part I

449. Zach Randolph
Any time the same player is widely credited for one team’s resurgence (simply because he left), another team’s ongoing demise (simply because he showed up) and the firing of a third team’s GM (Milwaukee’s Larry Harris, who made the fatal mistake of trying to convince his owner that the Bucks should trade for him), that should have been enough for him to cruise to the LVP Award. Zach, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else you could have done short of stabbing Nate Robinson during a timeout.

372. Jermaine O’Neal
Ever since O’Neal punched out Turtle during the Artest Melee, he morphed into C-Webb 2.0. Check out his past four seasons: 122 missed games (and counting), declining stats each season and one of the most damaging contracts in the league. Is it too late to set him up with Tyra Banks? By the way, if you had to rank the most destructive moments to an NBA franchise in the past 30 years in terms of immediate damage and long-term ramifications, the Artest Melee ranks just below Lenny Bias’ coke overdose and the Bowie/Jordan pick at this point.

85. Vince Carter
I mailed in this paragraph in his honor.

133. Luol Deng/Ben Gordon/Emeka Okafor (tie)
“On second thought … um … I WILL take that extension!”

314. Tim Thomas
I guess the question is this: Is there an NBA forward alive who couldn’t play 31 minutes a game, score 12 points, notch five rebounds and three assists, miss 70 percent of his 3-pointers and allow his guy to score at will? If baseball has VORP (value over replacement player), then basketball should have VOTT (value over Tim Thomas). And that’s not even half the story. During a Lakers-Clips game last week, the Postmaster General (that’s my nickname for him) spent a large chunk of the third quarter jogging between the two 3-point lines without ever crossing either line, almost like he wagered a teammate that he could play an entire quarter without going within 24 feet of either basket. It might have been the most riveting moment of the Clippers’ season. He’s such a dog that PETA might protest this paragraph.

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