Henry Imler August 4th, 2008

Today’s hilarious “`mean Jesus’ of the day” comes from The History of Mar Matthias and Mar Andrew, the Blessed Apostles (Hist of M.& A.). Here is some of the back story.  The Hist of M.& A. was a Syrian theological work and adventure novel that belonged to a category of literature that we call the Apocryphal Acts of the Apostles.  The story begins with Jesus sending the apostle Matthias to the City of the Dogs, `Irka, which is composed entirely of cannibals.   When unsuspecting travelers would approach the gates, the inhabitants would seize them, gouge out their eyes, and force them to drink a drink which made the captive go mad like a beast, hence the the name, City of the Dogs.  After a month or so of being in this condition, the inhabitants of the city would then eat the traveler.

Matthias , like a good apostle, goes to `Irka and is consequently is captured upon reaching the gate, blinded and drugged.  Don’t fret for Matthew.  Jesus appears to Matthias and promises that after 27 days in captivity, Jesus will send Andrew to rescue him.  Sure enough, three days before Matthias is to be eaten, Jesus appears to Andrew and tells him to hoof it over to ‘Irka and save Matthias .    Andrews says to Jesus that he will go, but that he can’t make it all the way over to `Irka in three days.  Jesus says: “How ’bout you try anyway.”  So, unlike Jonah of the OT, Andrew goes and charter’s a boat.  Unknown to Andrew, this boat is manned by Jesus and three angels, disguised like when ole JC or the Angel of the Lord went a visiting Abraham or Lot back in the OT.

Now, after Jesus amazes Andrew by doing some crazy straight sailing and talking Andrew’s ear off, Jesus decides to take a nap.  Upon seeing this, Andrew decides to catch a few winks himself and promptly falls into a deep, deep sleep.

Opening one eye and seeing Andrew passed out like a frat boy on a Saturday morning, Jesus gets up quickly and says to his Angel crew :

“Spread out your hands, and carry Andrew and… place him at the gate of [the City of the Dogs], the inhabitants of which eat the flesh of men.”  And the Angels did as they were commanded, and took up Andrew and his disciples, and carried [and] placed them at the gate of that city, the inhabitants of which eat men.

I don’t know if you caught that - the inhabitants of this city eat men. Thanks, “mean Jesus.”  But, as is usually the case in all of canonical and apocryphal literature save for the Infancy Gospel of Thomas, Jesus has good reasons for what he is doing.

Andrew and his buds wake up outside the city and show more testicular fortitude than I am capable of.  Andrew asks them what they think of the situation and, upon hearing their reply, “rejoiced [with] a great joy, that his disciples were worthy to see the great things of God.”  Andrew then prays to Jesus saying:

Pardon me, my Lord, and forgive me what I have done… Wherein have I sinned, my Lord?

Jesus answers him back, saying:

You have not sinned, Andrew; but I did these things unto you, because you said: “I cannot go to the City of the Dogs in three days.”  Now I have shown you that I am able to do everything by my power.  But [enough of this] arise, and go into the city unto Matthew your brother, and bring him and everyone else imprisoned forth from prison.  [Oh, and be prepared to suffer a whole heck of a lot, but before you start complaining, remember what happened to me when I was crucified.  I could'a moved between heaven and earth in the twinkling of an eye and punished those that beat me.] But I bore [it] and forgave them, that I might set you an example.

What did Andrew do?  “Andrew straightaway rose, and entered into that city with his disciples.”  That is some manhood, right there.  I don’t know about you, but I’d be asking for some new draws and clocking my sprinting speed because, and I don’t know if you know this, the inhabitants of that city eat men.

So, Andrew and his buddies march right up into the prison and finds it guarded by seven men.  Being the good pacifist that he was, Andrew does not fight them, but prays to God and they all fall down dead!  But wait, there is more awesomeness on the way.  Andrew gets to Matthias’ cell and finds it locked.  Not to fear, Andrew makes the sign of the cross and the gate opens right up!  People, meet Andrew, the merc from the messiah.  After being freed, Matthias says Robinesquely that Jesus said you’d bust me outta here on the 30th day and here you are - thanks Jesus!  Then true to comic-book form, Matthias asks Andrew, “What now?”

What now, indeed.  Next time we will look at what happens when the people of the city find out what has happened.  Trust me, it is crazier and more unexpected than what has happened above, all of which is true to the narrative.

• Humor , apocryphal literature
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