Henry Imler August 15th, 2007

1) The half naked (the lower half is naked, mind you) is
a diabetic and in need of some insulin. Mistaking the iPod in a pink
case for a first aid kit, attempts to get insulin from it. All he
really gets is some Fergie and a pissed off husband of the owner of the
iPod. After all, red+white does equal pink. However, if the blood sugar
turns out to be normal, more questions will ensue.

2) The man is a burglar and so crafty that he breaks
into people’s apartments with a cover of no pants. That way if he gets
caught holding the iPod by the angry husband, he can just act as
incoherent as Sean Vanity arguing immigration reform and no one will
suspect that he was actually trying to steal the iPod. Unfortunately
for him, this leads to a choice between leaving with the cops and going
to the hospital.

3) The man loves milk and yet does not know where to get
any. He figures that if he fiends confusion and breaks into someone’s
house and “looks” like he is stealing their iPod, then perhaps the
owner of the iPod’s angry husband will take pity on him and offer him
milk and an apple while trying to figure out where he lives. The man
has no car, so the man uses the public health transportation service to
get a quick ride to the hospital, where I am sure someone will give him
a ride to his home, or at least help him remember where he lives. This
approach to obtaining milk will net him a pair of my shorts, but little
else.

4) Perhaps the man was at a bar drinking. Perhaps
someone takes an unhealthy interest in the man and slips a little
hoo-haa into the man’s drink. The man, in the middle of the unhealthy
encounter decides to leave sans pants. Man is still drugged and is
attempting to get home, find his keys, find his phone, etc. The
druggedness of the man is responsible for his claims to my wife’s iPod,
to my apartment, then to the apartment of a very large Irish former
bouncer who likes to play board games, and to claims that his pants,
keys, phone are still inside my apartment. In this case, the man gets
to the hospital and escapes any sort of charges related to breaking and
entering.

5) The man actually works for the police and is part of
a little-known, but very effective program aimed at reminding people to
lock their doors even if they are at home. This program involves lots
of theatrics, having the police, firetrucks, and the paramedics show up
at people’s houses, and exposes the general public to people with no
pants. Despite this, it is quite effective in reminding people that
they should always keep their doors locked. All it costs the public is
the cost of sending emergency personnel to private citizen homes and
one pair of shorts to give to the undercover agent. This is probably
the most likely scenario.

I am not sure which of these possible reasons was behind the man
whom Meredith and I caught in my apartment holding my wife’s iPod and
wearing no pants. Meredith and I were home tonight when we heard our
door shut. I left the room we were in and entered our living room to
find a man holding her iPod and wearing no pants. As I talked to him,
he made not one lick of sense. He did get to leave with the paramedics,
however.

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